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User blog:THEJJRAT/Very Long Story 3
"Oh god-FATHER!" Star Lord was restrained by two MTF soldiers. "Get in the UFO!" The MTF leader screamed. The Big Daddies and Little Sisters boarded the UFO, and the rest of the soldiers. "GOD DAMMIT! LET GO OF ME!" ______________ "Doctor, his vitals are improving..." "He has a heart beat." "How the hell did he survive almost being digested by 682?!" "Um...He has two hearts..." "What the hell..." "Everybody leave the goddamn room." __________ Beep. Beep. Beep. Hooked up to life support, powered by SCP-148 and australium. "Oh god..." Father grasped his head, "What the hell happened.." "You were eaten by SCP-682." "What?" "Your little UFO was about to sink, so your team went off to dump the load." "Where?" "Ask them. When you get out." Father finally opened his eyes. "Bob Pepperoni?" "Yep." "You work here? At the Foundation?" "I had a passion for making pepperoni pizza, and the Foundation hired me for it. Worked in the cafeteria. They made me O5 when I inspired everyone to be a chef when I made a speech during movie night." Bob said. "They had to literally send a team of janitors with assault rifles into 682's stomach to pull you out." "Hot damn..." "Anyway, after you answer some questions with site leader, you'll be out." ___________ Father stepped into the site guest room. The entire gang was there, and the Big Daddies. Star Lord, out of nowhere, hugged him. "Oh," he chuckled. "Well, I got the pot." Indiana Jones, who was reading a magazine, shouted, "YOU DID?!" "Yeah. In my pocket." He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pot. "OH THANK GOD" Indy leaped off the chair and hugged the pot. "Well now I've seen everything." An engineer said. "Uh, Father.." Batman stepped out of his chair and approached him. "We need to save Shrek." "What?" "Shrek was kidnapped. By Shrekamus." "Dear God..." "There's more..." "No..." "I don't know where it is." "NOOOOO-" Batman slapped him and pulled down his own pants, and pulled a map out of his ass. "But I printed one." Batman unwrapped the map. "Apparently, on another planet. Minecraftia." "But no one's been able to reach that planet..." Bob Pepperoni stepped into the room. "Yes, but you will help us make the ship." "I will?" "Yes." "Well, it's gonna take a while." "Good! We all deserve a break! Even the guys that took breaks, broke their backs while taking stuff to HQ." Spider Man said. "HQ....?" _____(_______(_(((_(___ "The so called 'Big Daddies' are still protecting the cured children as they will seemingly become 'enraged' if they do not. Back to you with the weather, Norton." Father shut off the TV. He had his feet resting on the table in front of him, and he was sitting on the couch. "Its good to be back home." He said to himself. Suddenly, a person drove through the window with a motorcycle. "CYKA BLYAT! RUSH B!" the masked man screamed and pulled an AK-47 out of his ass. Suddenly, he died of a heart attack. "Wot" ________ Spider Man was patrolling the city of Butt-In-Burg, he was staying a week until he returns to Indira in New York. Suddenly, he feels hungry. He web swings over to the nearest Taco Bell to add to his lunch bag. "Next." The cashier yelled. "I would like three Logos Tacos tacos, some curly fries, a pepsi, some cinnamon twists, a Bell Burger, a Double Decker taco, and a Lava taco." "Ok" the cashier then proceeded to take the cash register and eat it. He turned around and shouted "ORDER UP" and used his hands to magically create the order. "Here you go sir" the cashier said. After handing Spider Man the plate, he exploded and turned into a condom. Spider Man, extremely confused, webbed out of the restaurant. "Did Aunt May put meth in my wheat cakes?" He asked himself. He perched on a rooftop and began munching on his tacos, and pretending to squash people's heads with his fingers. _______________________________________________ Shrek was roaming the land of Far Far Away, flying in the sky. Soon, he is summoned by one of his followers. "How dare ye summon me out of the green lad?" "Lord Shrek, I have received information that a 4chan user is trying to paste Anti-Shrek propaganda in my city." Shrek looks horrified. "Thanks lad." Shrek says and pats him on the head. He then jumps into the air and dive bombed onto the evil Drekers. "Its all ogre now lads!" He grabs an Anti-Shrek henchman and rips his spine out from his mouth and sword fights the other henchmen with it. "You didn't check yourself, so now you SHREKED YOURSELF!" He laughs a mighty ogre laugh, but suddenly he gets electrocuted from behind. "You're dead lad-Wot?!" Shrek realises he had lost his powers. "Shrek! No-" a henchman punches the follower in the face and takes him hostage. "No!" Shrek cries. He is greeted by Shrekamus. "This is the beginning of the end." He punches Shrek in the face. _________________________________________________ One year later.... *tie in to three news books I'm writing*** "Ey lads...I'm gonna kill ya, and I'm gonna kill ya because her onna be dead and then I'm gonna kill ya..." A Demoman said, and drank from his beer and burped. He was at the Shrek Bar in Butt-In-Burg, a bar that served drinks made from the onions of Shrek's swamp. Shrek himself endorses this. "And I'm gonna...and I'm gonna...I don't know what a fish is..." Wivea replied after drinking almost everything in the bar. ________________ Father Pooper was in his basement. His giant basement. Eating a bowl of hush puppies. He was in Room #3. It was his main treasure room. There was tons of stuff in there. An inactive nuke, crates full of dalekanium, ancient samurai armor, Riddled trophies, and most of the floor was covered in gold coins among other trinkets. But the main item there the pot of gold. THE pot of gold. Spent 300 years searching for it. Father was glad to be on a break. "Sir, we've detected two armed unauthorized persons in Room #490, Sector B." A guard stepped into the room. "Dammit...." ___________________ "Oracle, Arkham Asylum is having a massive breakout. Sexy Birdman is the leader. I need Spider Man." "Um, why?" "He's more experienced with Birdman." "Okay...." ______________ "Ello'?" Spiderman whipped out his phone from his belt, while swinging after a bank robber. "Batman needs you at Arkham Asylum." "Why exactly?" "Birdman's there." Spidey shot a web at the robber and strung him up by a lamp post. "I'll be there, in a-" His Spider Sense went off the charts, and jumped in the air, a giant chunk of brick flying past him. "What the hell..." ____________________________________________ "Sir, it's done. We only need a chunk of australium mixed with uranium and a McDonalds ketchup packet." A scientist said to the O5. "Call them over." _________ Father Pooper was with Mother Pooper, eating a McDonald's cheeseburger and a box of chicken nuggets. In a car. That drove off a cliff. With SpiderMan holding the car up with webs. And Mother being unconscious. Suddenly, he got a text from an unknown number. "Le roket shiup is dun" Father knew what this meant. He then tore open his chest and placed the cheese burger inside of him, gaining the ability to shoot cheese, ketchup, and mustard out of his wrists. He then cheese swung his way to Site-19. ___________ Batman was observing a Riddler trophy on his shelf, from his chair in front of the Batcomputer. "Wow....that...is an interesting thing.." He then begins to chew on a hamburger as he studied the object. Suddenly, his Batwave PDA goes off. "The Batwave!" He snatches it from his utility belt. "Dear God..." ___________ Lephret was sleeping, but somebody threw a can of soda at her. "GRT UR AURS UVRR HER U SUTPID" __________ Star Lord suddenly did the coming to the place because I'm out of ideas. ________ Indiana Jones was investigating reports of a Batman suit in a broken down kingdom that looked like a knight's armor. But then he got a call on his cell phone. _______ "Do you know why you are gathered here today soldiers?" General Soldier shouted and slapped his ballsack with a grenade. "To go to space?" "Correct soldier, we are going to space!" Soldier then promptly dropped the grenade in his pants, causing his balls to explode. "Ahhhhhh! Nothing like losing your balls in the morning!" He said and replaced his nuts with two rockets. Bob Pepperoni shook his head and gave the team space suits. And a hazmat suit. "Whats the haz for?" Father asked. "You may encounter a certain group of....Space bandits. We haven't dealt with them yet, so we expect you to do that." Bob said and opened the door to the rocket. And then they slow mo walk into the ship with that music thing playing. "....1.....2....4... Lift off!" Gaben said and the rocket flew off, Bob and the rest of the staff saluting. "Sir, SCP-049 is missing from his containment chamber." ______________ "Off to space, gentlemen." Officer Sphee showed the new astronauts around the rocket. He was a rare RED Spai. "This is the console." He showed father. "It is where you stay when you want to stare into space or press buttons or some shit." Sphee then showed them the beds, kitchen, and the strip club. ________ Father had his legs kicked up on the console, drinking a Nuka Cola. It was going to take a while to get to Minecraftia. But then he realised the rocket was getting pulled in by a laser beams. "Are those the Bandits?" Batman asked, just getting back from the club. "No...it's the First Order..." "God that movie sucked." Soon, they were teleported into the star destroyer. And then the door was knocked down by Kylo Ren. "O shut" Spider Man webbed Ren's face, causing him to go nuts and slice his own balls of with his lightsaber. He then collapsed and died. "We gotta destroy this place and stop The Force Awakens from happening!" Batman ran out of the rocket, and started beating up stormtroopers. He, Father, and Spider Man headed for the nuclear launch codes. Lephret ended up dragging unconscious stormtroopers into the ship, as she was the only who actually cared. Oh, and the armor was nice. ________ "We're here!" Father said, wielding an F-11D blaster rifle. Batman promptly found the launch codes and entered them into the console, causing a nuke to go off in twelve minutes. Father used this time to loot the ship and kill off all of the important Imperial officers on the ship (as this ship for some reason had ALL of the First Order stationed on it). Oh, and Batman pushed the rocket back into space. Father ran to the rocket with Batman, and shot Finn in the face before he could evacuate with the other stormtroopers. They finally got back into space after 13 seconds of eating hotdogs. _________________ Father viewed the mushroom cloud from the console, laughing his ass off. "Take that, Adolf Disney!" Batman also chuckled as he munched on popcorn. "This popcorn is burnt but I don't care. Damn Phasma." Phasma was the new chef, as Sphee couldn't cook for his life and the stormtroopers Lephret saved had to go to some use. But then the rocket rumbled, like there was an earth quake. Father looked out the window and there was another tracker beam. "Oh come on!" "The last one was just a joke to explain that the Force Awakens never happened in this universe, this is the good shit mang." Batman said and suddenly fell asleep. _______ Father woke up, having a stinging pain in in his head. He realised he was being dragged across the floor, so he jumped up and punched his captors in the face, killing them instantly. When he investigated, they were apparently anime girls. "Oh no" Father panicked, but he decided to take the Dark Repulser from one of the girl's corpse and defend him self from the anime menace. "Restrain him!" Some typical anime villain screamed, and sent three anime girls to contain Father. Father obviously objected to this idea and sliced all their heads off. "Dammit" The anime villain then became squirrel and tried to eat Father, but Chuck Norris appeared and beat the crap out of the squirrel. "CHUCK NORRIS?!" Father screamed in delight. "Yes, it is I. CHUCK NORRIS!" He roundhouse kicked an animo gril that was going to attack him into the 5th World. "I have came here to stop these anime bandits. I was going to do it peacefully, but it seems these girls have different...ideas." Chuck snapped his finger and an AK-47 fell into his hands. "Save your friends, Father. I'll take care of this." _______ Father, after sneaking around the anime guards, had found his way to the loot depot. After stealing every single crystallite ingot there, he continued to find his crew. _________ "Ah hah!" Father successfully lock picked a door and found Batman, Spider Man, Sphee, and General Soldier tied up to body pillows with Hatsune Miku holding a gun to Batman's face. Father pulled out his F-11D, "Put the gun down Miku." Father tried to talk the Android out of it. But then Batman broke free and knocked her unconscious. "We need to find a way out of here." Batman said and took out his collapsible bat sword and cut Spidey and friends out. "Luckily, I have two cans of female villain batspray on me." Bats said and crouched in front of the unconscious body of Hatsune Miku, and took one of her hair ties. "Them japs are weird...." He put it in his utility belt. "I'm going after the captain of the ship; Germany. You know, that weirdo who dresses up as a country. I overheard that he has intel on where this ship is heading." He then tore a vent off the ground and crouched into it. "Spidey, you're with me. Everyone else, get back to the ship." Father said. "Right." "Hey, what about me?!" General Soldier said, reloading his rocket launcher. "You need to defend the ship." "Oh." ___________ "Where are we going?" Peter asked, crawling on the ceiling and following Father. "Two weeks before we got on the ship, Bob told me Meiko stole an ingot of SCP-148 and placed it in the treasury. I'm getting it back." Father said, shooting at a walking cheeseburger. __________ "Muahahahaha, yes, my brainwashed kawaii desu tumblr fangirls, feed me with the souls of a thousand children!" He twirled his non existent moustache, sitting on a chair in the Captain's Quarters. "Your reign of terror ends now, Germany." Germany spat out his coffee and twirled his chair, to see the Batman. "Not you! My plan was perfect!" Batman grabbed Germany and threw him across the room, landing on a wall. "Oh God-" Batman jumped over to him and grabbed him by the throat, pulling him up. "Okay, now, you Nazi, where is this ship headed and what is it's mission?!" He choked Germany harder. "I-it's heading to Earth," Batman slammed him into the wall. "We're-gonna...Steal every child...And turn them into our species..." Batman dropped him, Germany gasping for air. "Not on my watch." ________ General Soldier was shooting rockets at hostile anime girls, "Hahahaha! Come at me you tree hugging hippie bright haired Nazis!" He covered the team as they got back into the ship. "Warning: Self destruct mode activated. 13 minutes until destruction." An intercom said. "Damn you Stalin!" __________ Father was filling his pockets with gold coins that had the face of Hayao Miyazaki on them, same with Spider Man. "Um, 148 is green, right?" "Yes!" Father replied, Spidey just have caught a green slab with a his webs. "Then let's bounce, this place is gonna go book in like..." He checked his Spider Watch, "12 minutes!" _______ Batman downloaded the plans of turning humans into the anime species onto the Batcomputer from Germany's laptop. And then he pressed the self destruct button. Batman then picked up Germany, and headed out the door. ___________ Spidey catapulted to the ship with his webs, with Father hanging onto him. "Everyone here?!" "Yeah-Where's Abraham Lincoln?!" Soldier screamed, as he realised Batman was not there. "Three minutes!" Peter shouted. "I'm here." Batman said, and had appeared behind every body. "What the flippin' George Washington in a hand basket?!" Soldier screamed. "I collected everyone and put them on an escape pod heading to Xenomorph Prime." Batman said and stepped into the ship. "Um, why not Earth or something?" "Because if that scum wants his species to survive, he'll fight for it." To be continued.... _________________________________ Batman was in the bedroom, sowing up his batsuit on his desk. "The Soder Cola you requested, Master Bruce?" Sphee handed him a platter with a bottle of ice cold soda. "Thanks, Alf- Uh, Sphee." Sphee raised an eyebrow, but still smiled and left the room. Indiana Jones was writing in his diary; "Dear diary. I was still not featured in the last chapter. I am supposed to be the MAIN CHARACTER DAMMIT!" He then slammed the book closed and chugged down a bottle of vodka. Spider Man was creating web fluid, and tweaking his web shooters. The only reason he had web shooters is incase he ran out of organic fluid. Lephret was eating sandwiches. Star Lord was polishing his helmet. And Father was munching on hush puppies and watching Zilly in a Billy. ___________ "Jesus, how much food does this ship have?!" A stormtrooper asked, upon opening the pantry and encountering thousands of doritos, Nuka Colas, bread, Happy Meals, etc. "This station has enough food to last twenty thousand years." Sphee replied. "Okay, chrome girl wanted...Lettuce, turky, fresh tomatoes, bread, mayonnaise, and bacon...Where the hell is half of this stuff?" Sphee gave him a map. "Ho lee shit..." _____________ Two flametroopers were stationed at the hanger of the ship, where other smaller ships were stationed. This was because there wasn't enough uranium to power the force fields; thus leaving the ship vulnerable to invaders. "What is this ship?" D-3445, or Stan, asked his partner. "I dunno." D-669, or Bill Cosby replied. "It's a Foundation series D-777 flight device. It is used to contain objects or humanoids that and on ze run." Sphee said, appearing as a hologram. "Oh." "Hey Sphee, ur mom!" "Is fabulous." ____________ "Oh god....It's so far away..." D-999, or Stanley, groaned. "Just for lettuce! LETTUCE!" He screamed, and ripped open a bag of doritos and ate from it. But then he realised....He cracked open a can of Purple Drank and swallowed it, and grew muscles the size of the Death Star and ran to the lettuce with advanced super duper speed. He snatched the lettuce and went to get the mayonnaise that was not an instrument. Then he snatched the mayonnaise, but then he died. But he came back to life and ran to Phasma and gave her the ingredients. Expect that didn't happen, and he was just unconscious in a puddle of sweat and blood as he got hit in the head by a flying squirrel. ______________ Category:Blog posts